break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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