I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
