he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
