I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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