You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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