So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
