What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
