Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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