You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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