EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
