i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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