I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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