she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
