I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize