the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
