did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
