Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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