I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
how does that bad decision feel?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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