i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
