My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I have aggressive nipples.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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