you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
