You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I need a beard to bite.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
