I wish my penis had an off switch
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
