Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize