she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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