LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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