So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
