Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
