Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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