my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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