I wish I could teleport
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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