Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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