pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
