If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize