I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think I just sharted jello shots
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