I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
