wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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