i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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