You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize