Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
