Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
