so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
