I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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