everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize