bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
