I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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