Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I can't turn off my feet"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
pray to the hookup gods
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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