you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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