Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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