Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
