I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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