i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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