Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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