Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
