Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
