I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
