his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
