I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
