I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
