Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I love you.
Bad choice
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
