What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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