Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
